Lazy Fucks

Let’s hear it for the lazy fucks. The work-shy ho’s. The slack-off sluts.

An unabashedly idle root, I don’t want to contort myself into 23 exotic positions just to get off. I am perfectly happy flat on my back, doing little to no work and having a fabulous time for it.

If I ever do (begrudgingly) go on top my legs will pretty quickly start shaking – and despite what old mate might tell himself, no, the dick ain’t “that good” – I’m just struggling to hold this fat ass up.

Let’s talk about hand jobs too, shall we? Because I get mad points for proclaiming an ‘old fashioned’ is nothing more than a wasted opportunity for a blow job… but secretly, my gag reflex is way stronger than my biceps and it’s legit less “work”. I also get to close my eyes while I’m doing it and it almost feels like a nap.

What’s the alternative? Make ‘sexy’ eye-contact while pretending to enjoy doing something you should absolutely do yourself. No thanks. Hot tip – tell him it’s a massive turn on watching him wank, then grab a beer and take a load off while he takes his load off. Sorted.

Also, moan heaps during 69er to get out of doing your bit. You’re welcome.

I would way rather be tied up and hung from the ceiling like a useless fucking plant in one of those macrame hangers than be folded up and flipped around the room like a damn circus – not because I’m kinky but because it’s fucken easy.

You might think I’m “spicy” because I own four different sets of handcuffs and have specially designed restraints fitted to my bed. It’s not spicy, it’s LAZY. Now you gotta do all the work. Tricked ya.

I literally have a drawer with about 47 different dildos in it and one of them made me cum so hard I dislocated my fucking knee.

Unless your penis is going to make me scream so loud even my neighbours want a smoke when I’m done, you got some work to do, boy.

So, to summarise: starfishing while getting your cheeks clapped like a salvation army drum is absolute queen behaviour.

Get it, girls.

-Carly Sophia

Today it is a pleasure to introduce you to English Sydney-based writer/Sinfluencer Carly Sophia. After meeting & falling in love with this witty queen at a mutual friend’s event, I asked Carly to send me over articles that have been banned from most other platforms so that we can publish them here 🙂

The virtual best friend that every girl needs, this brazen sexual wellness warrior isn’t just an advocate for women’s rights but a gutter-mouthed vixen who will smash glass ceilings then down tequila shots amongst the shards.

Her debut article for Sticks & Stones was previously published elsewhere and saw her temporarily banned from all social media channels, so in her own words she’s “fucking thrilled to be taking up residency in a way cooler corner of the internet.” And to Zuckerberg: “Next time you wanna punish me, can you at least pull my hair?”

A cultural maven and instagram icon she leads a multi-generational gang of loyal, highly engaged women who are street smart, internet savvy, and fucking sick of reading the same boring old shit.



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