The mechanics of homosexual intercourse
Andy Kelly is back with the latest instalment from his very honest ongoing written series ‘Break my bones’, which aims to spark thoughts, insight & conversation around being a modern-day gay.
I used to have erection problems. Yep. In fact, sometimes I still do. Sometimes my penis doesn’t do what I want it to do. Less so now, more so when I was young.
It’s not that it couldn’t. In fact, I spend 75% of my life with an erection, & another 20% with my hand on it (don’t knock masturbation, I’m making love to someone I care very much about).
It’s when I would lay there next to someone 3 dates in, someone who I had already found out they have every episode of Reba on DVD & still wanted to lay there next too…& the pressure to perform was on my shoulders, expectations at their highest point. That’s when Russell the love mussel, my closest pal, would betray me.
I am 6”3 & very in proportion… yes you don’t get an ego as big as mine without the dick to match.
If I didn’t like you or were using you for random transactional sex you would have no idea about this problem & I’m sorry (this doesn’t mean physically ugly either. Even the ugliest among us have made our lovers beg).
So why when I liked you…would I buckle under the pressure? I have spent most of my 20’s in long term relationships & to reflect on it now I fear this could have been one of the reasons why. To look inwards & backwards is scary (my generation is more for scrolling through) & unless you pay for the premium package to keep the playlist of your mistakes downloaded & available when you’re offline you often forget some of the gems… personal reflection seems to get lost in the iPhone swap overs.
I want to say this now cause it keeps looping in my head. JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE GAY DOESN’T MEAN YOU NEED TO FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE. JUST BECAUSE IT’S CONSIDERED AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE DOSENT MEAN YOU MUST REACH FOR THE ALTERNATIVE. AND JUST BECAUSE IT MAY NOT WORK THE FIRST TIME DOESNT MEAN YOU SHOULD GIVE UP.
The expectations we as a community put on sex is a tough frog to dissect. Sexual promiscuity is woven into our fabric sure but that is a stereotype cast from a heterosexual “I only have sex with my girlfriend once a month” point of view.
Why do we play into it? Why have we chosen to let the physical act of homosexual intercourse define our sexual identity so much?
If you are a bottom, can you never fall in love with a bottom? What if you do fall in love with a bottom? Are you doomed to spend your life than searching for a third party to fuck you both?
Is this the true meaning of masochism?
For me, as I got older, more comfortable with the kind of person I am, & the more aware of the relationship my brain has with my penis, I begin to understand why my body would abandon me. I wanted to say humiliate then but chose not to fall into old habits of self percussion.
ITS BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT YET.
In fact, if I want to reach really deep inside & scratch & pull at my stitches I was probably trying to use the act of physical intimacy as a way of avoiding actual emotional intimacy. Some more internalised homophobia around the concepts of accepting love BLAH BLAH BLAH. & Russel was not having it.
I’ve never been scared of my sexuality or my hedonist nature. I was raised in a house that celebrated my difference. If I wanted to wear a dress I could. If I wanted to piss in the pool I could. I am the modern gay, my sexual identity is well adjusted, it also had never defined what kind of person I am. It claims its space. Which is why it wouldn’t work when I wasn’t treating it with the respect of waiting till it was ready to share itself with another person.
I’ve learnt to listen to myself more & have learnt that even if it feels good now, it may not later. I’ve also learnt that, That, also is not such a bad thing either. If you have all the space filled up with rainbows & unicorns then there is no room to grow into & that is a bigger shame than a mistake.
Homosexual intercourse is an uphill climb already. It’s hard fucking work. But what it isn’t, is a weapon to be used against others or worse used against myself.